January 31, 2011

To feel something.

So I'm doing better.
Way better.
And by way better, I mean just a little bit better.
I don't know what to make of life right now.
But I know that I don't want to stay here anymore.
When the weather gets warmer, I want to leave.
Just take off and go somewhere.
I'll make friends, I'll meet people.
I won't be me anymore.
I'll be changed.

I'll abandon everything, you know.
Just to travel about and learn more about myself.
Learn more about my fears.
About my past.
About what I want in my future.
I'll find new paths, and I will tread them all.

This isn't really a fail blog, ladies and gentlemen.
I have no humorous words to share.
I've been hurt.
I've been beaten.
And I want to see that there is something more out there.
I won't grow if I stay here.
I know that.
But I don't want to go alone.
At least, not at first.

I want someone to come with me.
Someone to abandon everything and just leave with me.
Until we're ready to go off on our own.
Tread our own paths.
If they cross again, then good.
But one does not go out into the world to see people they already know.

January 29, 2011


This blog today is being brought to you by a pissed off blogger.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm actually kind and sweet in person.
You know, sometimes.
But would you honestly like to know why I'm so bitter?
I am constantly let down by men.
AKA: Children.
AKA: The reason I'm sure many girls off themselves.

So let me tell you a story.
We go back a ways, back to the dawn of this blog.
Back to when I was in love with someone we'll call Jack.

Well, I was living with Jack in another state, far from home.
And I was in love.
However, for reasons I don't care to list, I had to move back home to Virginia.
And then he dumped the shit out of me.
So, just three weeks after this relationship of almost 3 years ended, I started dating someone else.
We'll call him Douchefag.

Well, Douchefag and I hit it off wonderfully.
But I'm crazy.
I dump the shit out of him.
Why? Well, several reasons.
I was still in love with Jack, I wasn't ready for a commitment, and Douchefag was moving too fast for me.
6 months of tedious back-and-forth bullshit later, I realize I've fallen for Douchefag.
But he told me he was moving.
So I didn't say anything.
Couple weeks later, I find out he's staying.
I'm excited. I'm fucking ecstatic.
But, as it turns out, he's got feelings for one of my friends.
  • Heartbreak #1.
We'll call that friend Ron.
Well, Ron didn't know I was in love with this guy.
Upon finding out, he backed off completely.
Or so I thought.
Douchefag told me he wanted to be with me, not Ron.
His exact words, "I can't imagine waking up without you next to me."

Two days later, he says he feels nothing for me.
  • Heartbreak #2.
I'm shattered.
Hell, I'm two feet away from a bottle of pills and the angel on my shoulder dipped out days ago.
So I'm in a bad place.
But these two tell me they won't get together because of me.
They both care about me too much to hurt me like that.
So what do I tell them?

Me:: Fuck how I feel. If you two are happy together, then do it up. Honestly. Don't let my petty feelings stop you from being together.
Them:: Ohmygawsh, thank you kind woman!
Me:: Eh, it's what I do.

Only problem is, Ron has a psycho ex-boyfriend. We'll call him Tom.
They're still living together, sleeping with each other.
And Douchefag and I are receiving numerous reports of this ex beating Ron up.
Ron comes over bruised and scratched and crying.
We console him.
We get drunk.
We go to Tom and Ron's house with every intention of kicking Tom's ass.
With a broken fret board.
We don't even see the guy, we're just drunk and fighting and I'm a crying drunk mess.
And Douchefag is being a douche, but hey, it was an emotional time.

So, for the next few weeks I am nothing but the greatest fucking friend to Douchefag.
I am doing everything I can for him.
I am still in love with him, so of course I'm doing all I can to help him out in any way.
And then he tells me he doesn't want to be with Ron.
Turns out Ron isn't who Douchefag thought he was.

Douche:: I'm disgusted by him. I hate being near him. I still love you. I'm so happy when I'm around you.
Me:: You mean that?
Douche:: Yes.
Me:: You promise?
Douche:: Yes.
Me:: Alright, then let's do it up.

And then Douchefag moves in with Ron and starts fucking him.
  • Heartbreak #3.
So I start dating someone else, but that's irrelevant to this plot-line.
Douchefag never officially hooks it up with Ron.
I'm still in love with him, but working to get over him.
And then I find out that Douchefag has a new boyfriend.
Wait, what?
Yes, well I guess the gay population isn't the greatest in this area.
Can't be too picky.
Thing is, Douchefag has NO idea that this Tom is Ron's ex.
I give Douchefag fair warning.
But meh.
Nobody listens to me.

So shit happens, I'm single, and Douchefag breaks up with Tom.
Gets ahold of me.
And Tom, I hope you're reading this.
Douchefag tells me, once again, he wants me.

Remember, these are all quotes written as verbatim as possible.

Me:: You just broke up with him today, why are you telling me you love me and you want me?
Douchefag:: Because there were so many times when I was with him and I thought, "Why can't you be more like Charlotte?"
Me:: I'm head over heels in love with you, Douchefag. I've tried getting over you, but I just can't. Do you actually mean it this time? You actually want to get back together?
Douchefag: Yes.
Me:: Alright. Well, why don't you come over to my house tomorrow? We'll hang out.

There were also plans made for the first and second time we would be having sex again.
Second time, we'd wear silly hats.
And his exact words:
Me:: If/when we do it again....
Douchefag:: Don't worry, it's definitely going to happen.

No if's about it.
Just a matter of when.

So he comes over the next day.
I'm so happy to see him.
I'm ecstatic.
Seriously, people, I would follow this man to the ends of the earth.
Through hell, hurt, and hunger, I would follow him.
And he tells me he didn't mean what he said.
  • Heartbreak #4.
He just says the timing is off.
It wouldn't be fair to anyone if he got together with me.
I wasn't expecting us to be together anytime soon, but I was expectant.
But no.
I fell for it again.
Couple days later, it's facebook official that they're back together.
This morning, I see that they're engaged.
Well, now I'm three feet away from a bottle of pills and the angel on my shoulder hasn't shown up yet.
But instead of racing to swallow them all down, I'm bitching online.
And Douchefag, if you're reading this, I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I truly do.
But I will not be your friend.
I will not be your acquaintance.
And when shit goes down, I won't be there for you.
Not for a long time.
Not until you can honestly apologize.
Because I'm still crying over you.
And I shouldn't have to do that.
Peace out.