December 27, 2009

Worst. Xmas. Ever.

Okay, so you guys wanna know how I spent my Christmas evening?
Writhing in pain in the bathroom.
Thanks for the food poisoning, Santa!
I really fucking appreciate it.

My body was so fucked up, man.
I lost 6 pounds in one night.
Now I know why chicks go bulimic.
Results, man.
Fucking results.

But, I am all better now.

And what have I got in store for you today?
Why, another fail story!

Reader:: HOSHIT, FAIL!!! YAY!!!!
Me:: Calm the fuck down.

So what's the fail story for today, you ask?

I went there last night to get my ass some medicine.
I get in line to check out, and we all know how the day after christmas lines are at Wal-Mart.
So after waiting 20 goddamn minutes, the chick starts ringing up my items.
Chicken Noodle Soup.
Cold Medicine.
Ramen Noodles.
Ice Cream.

Girl:: Do you need this medicine?
Me:: Uhh... Yeah.
Girl:: Do you have a fever?
Me:: Yes, I do.
Girl:: Did you like, drive here?
Me:: My boyfriend drove me.
Girl:: You need to be 18 to buy this medicine.
Me:: I am 18. -goes to get ID-
Girl:: I don't need to see your ID. -puts medicine away-
Me:: Look, are you my fucking doctor? No? Then give me the damn medicine.
Girl:: You must be 18 to buy this medicine, miss.
Me:: I am 18. Here's my ID.
Girl:: I don't need to see your ID. -rings up medicine and puts it in bag-
Me:: Thank you very fucking much. -pays and leaves-

Now this might not seem very fail to you.
But I mean what the HELL was wrong with this chick?
Firstly, she looked stoned to ba-jesus.
Secondly, she was fucking stupid.

This is why I hate Wal-Mart.
God damn.

Reader:: That's all? That's all you have to rant about today?
Me:: Yup.

December 25, 2009

Merry Mother Fucking Xmas

Christfag:: You should say Christmas. Saying Xmas takes the Christ out of Christmas!
Me:: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that you people have no clue what you're talking about.
Christfag:: ... Huh?
Me:: It was originally a Pagan winter solstice holiday that you fucktards decided to play "Pin The birthdate of the Jesus" on.
Christfag:: That's just internet nonsense.
Me:: Right. And I net the German tradition of the decorated tree is, too. Oh, and Santa is the devil.
Christfag:: -More religious nonsense-
Me:: -Lack of creativity. Bored with this conversation. Goes to make a sammich-

Oh, hey bloggers.
Happy Christmas to all.

Also, not trying to hate on the Christians.
Just gtfo my pagan holiday.
For real.
Mine was there first.

Onto some other stuff...
I got some presents and I feel like bragging.

-Nice earrings
-Nail polish [Because all I have is black and my sister-in-law wants to see a change]
-100 bucks
-Iron Tea Pot [WIN]
-Two awesome shirts
-And, last but not least at all; A SUPER FUCKING AWESOME HARRY POTTER MUG. It's black and it says "I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good" and you put hot cocoa/coffee in it and it turns white and says "Mischief Managed."
[You can guess which present was my favorite.]
[[Don't be jealous, Riah.]]

Oh, and by the way, I'm starting a Youtube channel soon.
Lame fucking name?
You betcha.

I have another one called FlaggedF0rPvp, but my boyfriend says that one is lame.
Also remembered that I have another called EpicFaceDesk

Which one do you, the reader, think I should use for my channel?
Leave your decision in the comment section below.

Also, how the fuck to I get my camera to record video in non-.MOV format?
For serious.
Pisses me off cuz I can't edit them or upload them.

Also also, why the fuck do I have three youtube accounts?
Shit's gay.

-sighs- My head hurts.
I threw up a little bit ago.
Not feeling too hot.
And boyfriend is off playing Combat Arms.

Yay, my life is awesome.

This is a short blog, I know.

Not a lot to rant about today.

Oh, I'm going to hopefully be purchasing a violin tomorrow with my Xmas munnies.
That's about it.

Now, tell me which user account to use for my new VLOGs.

Also, tell me why.
Kinda like EpicFaceDesk so I can just call my VLOG the EFD show.
Like omgitsatree because it rhymes and isn't trying to be cool like you posers.

Anyways, let me know what you think.

December 20, 2009

Where the hell have I been?

You find yourself not asking me?
Awww, you're sweet to have noticed my absence.

Well, let me tell you a tale.
'Tis a riveting ballad of how I FUCKING HATE TECHNOLOGY.


Anywho, I recently re-formatted my laptop.
Fun times!

Then I went on an adventure of figuring out which fucking drivers I needed to get the internet to work.

Then I decided that the internet should eat me.

I get the right driver. Alright. Making progress.
Only took a mother fucking week.

Then I connect to my boyfriends router.
What's mine is yours kinda deal.

Then I go to download Mozilla Firefox [Because IE can get raped by lions.]
So I google it.
Dear spirits, I love Google.

Anyways, I'm waiting for the search engine to do my bidding when BAM
Internet go bye-bye.
Internet comes back!

Me:: That was weird. Oh well, I'm sure it won't happen again. *F5*

Of course, we all know my life is full of fail, soo....

BAM. Internet go bye-bye again.
Then it comes back.

Me:: Look here, you piece of shit...
Internet:: *Disconnects*
Me:: ...... Cocksucker.
Internet:: Oh, hello! How are you?
Me:: Why do you keep doing that?
Internet:: Doing what?
Internet:: *Disconnects*
Me:: What the-
Internet:: Oh, hello! How are you?
Me:: I'm going to rape you in the-
Internet:: *Disconnects*

Yeah. I'm sure the docs gonna LOVE my blood pressure this month.

So I hate technology.
Gonna have to buy a new Wireless Network card.
Because this one is smiling at my anguish.
All smug and shit.
I just know it.


So I stole my boyfriends laptop.
Read me some [GM]Dave.
A lot.

His blood pressure has to beat mine by a long shot.
Oh well.

SO. I wont be posting for a while.

Gotta get this pice of shit up and running again.

Maybe I'll just buy a new fucking laptop.

That's it.

Fuck this mess.

I refuse to go bald over a fucking Dell laptop.

December 3, 2009

A big ol' can of crazy.

Hey everyone.
And by everyone, I mean my two viewers.

Haven't had anything to write about in a few days.
And just today I thought to myself;

Me:: Fuck. I haven't nothing to blog about. No fail stories. Nothing. This sucks.

And then, something happened.

You remember the slagwhore, right?

Viewer:: You mean your mother?
Me:: That's what I said. Slagwhore.

Here's how the last conversation I HAD with her went.

Slagwhore:: Hey! I got a new cell phone and number!
Me:: ... Okay? Why are you telling me?
Slagwhore:: So you could save this number in your phone.
Me:: I didn't have your last number saved in my phone.
Me:: What makes you think I would save this one, too?
Slagwhore:: You're silly. I'll talk to you later, okay?
Me:: Furthermore, how the hell did you get this number?
Slagwhore:: Bye!

Yeah. Not shitting you.

So I get a text today from my sister.

Sister:: Mom found your new school.
Me:: Dear what's his face in heaven. How?
Sister:: Called your last school and requested your transfer information.
Me:: I thought dad put her on the "THIS WOMAN IS BATSHIT CRAZY, DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING" list?
Sister:: He did. They're stupid. You know that.
Me:: Right. Go on.
Sister:: So she called the school they said they think you're transferring to.
Me:: God help them.
Sister:: And she said they told her you were a student there.
Me:: But... I'm not enrolled there yet. I haven't turned in the forms!
Sister:: Maybe she was bullshitting me. I don't know. Just be careful.
Me:: Gods help me.

So yeah.
My mother isn't allowed that information from my school.
The divorce that occurred when I was 5 saw to that.

So my dad hears this and is livid.
Granted he's the main reason why I moved out...
I can still sympathize with the man.

Now, what do you think your adorable, sweet, loving blogger would do at this point?

That's right.

I IMed the bitch.

She was offline though, to the satisfaction of insulting her and then promptly logging off would not be given to me.
Still, I was nice and polite in the message.

Me:: So I heard you're trying to find me.
::The Slagwhore is offline. It will receive your messages when it logs back in.::
Me:: A likely story.
Me:: Piece of advice? Don't.
Me:: I can understand you wanting to keep tabs on me, but this is borderline stalker-ish.
Me:: I know, I know. "I'm your mother, I should know these things, I haven't spoken to you in a year" blah blah blah.
Me:: But you contacted my school and requested information you have no right to have.
Me:: Or do you not remember the court system raping your ass in that custody battle?
Me:: If I were you, I wouldn't be able to forget the humiliation and pain and torment.
Me:: Oh wait, I was there. And even though I was 5 and had no idea what they were talking about, I still found it funny.
Me:: Like the time you were attacked by that dog.
Me:: Didn't know why it was attacking you, but I laughed my ass off all the same.
Me:: Anyways, back to my original point. What was it again? Oh yeah...
Me:: kthnxbai

So my boyfriend is a giggling mess while I'm leaving her this message.

He says it was because the look in my eyes was hilarious.

I think it was because I was screaming, "Take this, and that, and some of this!" at my computer screen while I typed.

Who knows.

But yeah.

I'd rather go up against the fucking Rancor than have to deal with this shit.

don't know what a rancor is?

... anybody?


You fail.


November 29, 2009

I hate all of you.

All of you.
I mean it.
I'm not trying to be funny.
[Well, okay. Maybe I am.]
But whatever.
Haven't seen you guys since Thanksgiving.
Well, I've got a lot of news for you.
Not that you care.
But I like to think that you do.

So I moved.
Few of you know that I lived in VA Beach.
Now I'm in Pittsburgh.
Yay incredible distances.

I'm not going to tell you my reasons for moving.
I'm too lazy.
But what I am going to do in this blog is, well...

I've got a few people who read this.
I have no idea why.
But they do.

Now for those of you who do read it, leave me some feedback.
I demand it.

I'm new to this whole blog thing.
Yeah, that's right.

I'm a goddamn n00b.

Think I care?

Well you're right.

I do.

Now, either comment or gtfo.

You can say anything.

Find a news article you find riveting?
Did your 13 year old cousin get knocked up?
Lose 58 lbs on a Chinese take-out diet?
Well lemme know, bitches.

I like to hear all the fail stories in the world.
And exploit them.

Speaking of stories I can exploit, you gotta hear this.
Since my blog is called people-fail, I intend to inform you of just how much people do fail.
Like this one story.
[Link to story will be located at the bottom of blog so you know I'm not bullshitting you.]

There's this girl, right?
She's 15 years old, living in Missouri.
And, get this, murders this 9 year old girl.

Now, I know what you're thinking.
"What in God's name was this girl thinking? Why would she do such a thing?!"
Some of you might assume it's because she had a good reason.
Maybe the 9 year old was attacking her with a monkey or something.
There has to be SOME reason, right?

Well you would be wrong, my viewer.
She did it, and I do quote, "to see what it would feel like."

Me:: Yeah, I'm kinda bored. I think I'm going to go kill a little girl just for the hell of it. Fuck ramifications!

Now that you're sitting in your seats utterly stunned, I'm going to continue.
She planned this shit.
Planned it.
Had two graves dug up.

Courts have decided to try her as an adult.
Her trial is set for sometime in December.
But what shocks me is that I can't find a single report that tells me what the second grave was for.

Now it's been said that she's had severe depression since 2007.
As if that explains everything.

Last I heard, people with severe depression tried to kiss themselves.
Not the 9 yr-old down the street.

15 yr-old murderer:: My life sucks. Everything is miserable. Edward Cullen isn't real. Bitch bitch, ect. So instead of killing myself, which would seem logical since my life clearly sucks so much, I'm think I'll kill someone else.
Me:: That doesn't seem too smart there, kid.
Murderer:: Whatever. Nobody cares what you think. And by the way... You're not funny.
Me:: Ouch! Talk about hitting below the belt, man. Not cool. Well, your life sucks and you'll pay for this later so I mean, whatever. Carry on.
Murderer:: There's that new guy down the street... no, he could probably kick my ass. Hmm... I could kill my mom, but then who would be there to give me attention? No, how about that little girl nearby? Yeah. That should do it.
Me:: *eats popcorn*
Murderer:: Now I feel guilty so I'm gonna tell police where she's buried even though nobody has been able to find her thus far and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be able to link me to it even if they DID find her.
Me:: This stopped being funny 3 minutes ago.

Okay, so maybe I'm a bad person for making fun of this chick.
But I mean come ON.
Bitch is stupid.
I'm pretty sure I've known 3 year olds smarter than this chick.

And it just pisses me off so much that people are trying to defend her.

Lawyer:: She's just a child! Sending her to prison as an adult would be wrong!
Me:: She committed premeditated murder.
Lawyer:: It's not her fault. She's depressed!
Me:: Depression doesn't make people kill little girls!
Lawyer:: You can't prove that!
Me:: I don't have to. You're going to lose this case anyways.
Lawyer:: And what makes you think that?
Lawyer:: Yeah, but-
Lawyer:: I know, but-
Lawyer:: If you would just-
Me:: Not because she was depressed. She admitted it was because she wanted to know what it felt like. BITCH IS CRAZY.
Lawyer:: Exactly! So she should be in a mental institution.
Me:: Then send her to one, but don't try to pretend that this was beyond her. Bitch knew what she was doing. Knew it was wrong. Even felt guilty afterwards. She probably is mentally disturbed, but don't say 'go easy on her' because she's young.

Seriously, people.
Girls are maturing faster and faster at younger ages these days.
She's 15. She knew what she was doing. 3 years hardly makes any difference.
I think they were right to try her as an adult.
Maybe the bitch will learn not to stab little girls to death.

Oh well.
Decide for yourself.
I'm just gonna go make a sammich.



November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving: Back with a Vengeance

Fuck this holiday.
What's the point anyway?

Pilgrim:: Hey, naked savage.
Native:: Welcome to our land. Would you like some corn?
Pilgrim:: No, but I will gladly rape you and give you lots of diseases.
Native:: .... What?
Pilgrim:: Yeah. Now bend the fuck over.

Yeah. Real nice holiday you got there.
But alas, it wasn't all bad.
Got a surprising call from my sister.

Me:: What.
Sister:: Are you coming over?
Me:: Is the slagwhore there?
Sister:: No. She couldn't make it.
Sister:: No, I mean it. She's not here.
Me:: You're lying. She's there. I can feel it in the force.
Sister:: Charlotte, mom's not here. She didn't have the money to make it out.
Me:: Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me. You just want me to think she's not there.
Me:: Get me in your confidence, that's it. Well no, missy. I refuse.
Sister:: Okay, how about this? Drive over here. You'll see that her car isn't here.
Me:: She's smart. She wouldhave parked somewhere. Or gotten a new car or something.
Sister:: Fine. No cranberry sauce for you.
Me:: ..... D:
Sister:: See you in 10, then?
Me:: I hate you.
Sister:: I know.

So yeah, I drove down and, naturally, the woman's car was not there. But I didn't trust it.
So I drove around the street, even checked the park nearby, all to make sure she wasn't there.
Didn't spot her shitty truck anywhere.
So I go to the house and as soon as I reach the front door, I remember something.
I don't know what her new car looks like.

So I'm looking down the street, seeing all these foreign cars around.
My heart was racing.
They got me.
They fucking got me.
My sister answers the door.
I step inside...
She wasn't there.
I swear, it felt like finding Jesus under a rock.
[That fucker is harder to find than Waldo on Godmode.]
You know, the last page where EVERYONE is dressed as Waldo?
Hated that page.

So, 4 turkeys later, I go to my best friends house.
We ride four-wheelers.
Made fun of drunk people.
Cut up shirts to make them look like they belong in the 70's.
You know.
Normal Thanksgiving stuff.

Oh, and we watched a movie that failed.
Failed pretty hard.
It was another one of those prophecy movies with shitty acting.
The plot made no sense.
My brain turned to mush.
If you're interested, which I know you're not, it's called the Celestine Prophecy.
Pretty fail.

Well, until people annoy me again.

Thanksgiving has never been so hard.

Well hello imaginary friends that I like to think read my blog.
Aw, who am I kidding. Not even Bubbles and George would read this.

At any rate, it's Thanksgiving and I swear to god, it's the worst I've ever had.
And it's only 12 in the afternoon.

What makes this so terrible, you don't ask?
Well, allow me to explain.

My father is out of town and I've been living with my best friend and her family for about a week.
I've got my older sister and her boyfriend wanting me over for their dinner.
And I've got my best friend who wants me over for her mother's dinner and her father's dinner.
[Yay, divorce.]
And then I've got another friend who wants me over at her house for dinner and to stay the night.

But aside from all these choices I can make, I've just received the worst news in the world.
My mother is coming to town for my sister's dinner.
I can tell you where I don't want to be;
Anywhere within 50 miles of this woman.

Now I know, I know.
"She's your mother! It's Thanksgiving! That's terrible!" Blah blah blah blah.
The thing *you* don't know about my mother is that I'm pretty sure the alien in the Alien movie was based off her.

I know what you're thinking;
"She can't be that bad."
No, sir. You are very wrong.
This is the woman who gave birth to me, and then tried to sell me to a man she met on a BDSM website when I was 4 or 5.

Alien:: He's from Child Services, sweetie, it's okay.
Me:: Then why does he want me to take off my clothes?
Alien:: He wants to make sure your father hasn't been beating you.
Me:: But you're the one who hits me. Not dadddy.
Alien:: Please don't be difficult, just do as he says.
Me:: Fine.
Alien:: And when your father comes back from overseas, let's keep this to ourselves
Me:: Sure. Whatever you say, slagwhore.

So I go out into the living room, clad in my Barbie underwear, and stand in front of the man.
I knew from the moment I saw him, there was no way this bastard was from CS.
First of all, he looked exactly like all the child molesters portrayed on TV.
Secondly, he was licking his lips and looking at me like a homeless man staring at a T-bone.

So he starts telling me to pose, and all this other weird shit, before concluding that I look to much like a boy.
I've never let my hair grow back out after that.

But back on topic;
So she's coming to town. Wants to see me, all this jazz.
But worst of all, she knows I'm moving in with my boyfriend this weekend and I know just how eager she is to stop that.
Like she has any right.

Me:: Sure, mom. I'll come live with you.
Alien:: Really?!
Me:: Yup. As soon as you pay up for the 6 birthdays and Christmas' you got my sister a gift but not me.
Alien:: RAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Me:: Next year, then?

Now I'm not trying to say she was a terrible, rotten, no-good whore of a woman.
But a lot of my blogs, you'll find, will have a little story with her attached to it.
You could say her fucked up way of life has taught me what NOT to do in situations.

But the worst thing about this woman is that she denies anything she did when I was a kid.
And anything she obviously remembers, she thinks she was in the right.
Woman is bat-shit, people.
And she's close... I can feel it....

Me:: I think we'll need a bigger boat.
Brody:: I don't think that line works here, Char.
Hooper:: A for effort, though.
Me:: Stfu and get back in my head.

Well, I'll try to stick it out for the rest of the day.
If the story develops, I'll let you know.
Until then.

November 25, 2009

First Post; I hate freshmen.

Hello everyone out there on the internet, my name is Charlotte Anne and I am fascinated by people on a daily basis.
And no, that is not a good thing.
This blog is going to consist mainly of my rantings directed towards those unsuspecting people.
Oh, and my "friends."
They'll never see it coming.
Until someone links them here.

I would like to start off, first and foremost, by saying that I don't like people much.
And it has nothing to do with me trying to be different or sticking it to the man.
It's because the people I encounter are generally very, very stupid.
Allow me to give you an example;

I'm a Senior in high school currently, and I'm truly amazed at the stupidity of the freshmen at my school.
For instance, the lunch scene;

Me:: Does anyone at this table know what time this lunch period ends?
Freshman:: Time for you to get a watch.
Me:: .... What?
Freshman:: You've never heard that joke before?
Me:: I've never heard someone fail that hard before. My ears are fucking ringing.
Freshman:: What?
Me:: I know the time. I want to know what time this lunch ends.
Freshman:: Then why would you ask what time it is?

Are you there, God? If so, how the fuck was this guy able to survive childhood.
Surely he would have attempted to drink the blue liquid under the sink.
He must have been stoned out of his mind because it was like he couldn't even hear me.
Face, meet palm.
Until people annoy me again,