December 27, 2009

Worst. Xmas. Ever.

Okay, so you guys wanna know how I spent my Christmas evening?
Writhing in pain in the bathroom.
Thanks for the food poisoning, Santa!
I really fucking appreciate it.

My body was so fucked up, man.
I lost 6 pounds in one night.
Now I know why chicks go bulimic.
Results, man.
Fucking results.

But, I am all better now.

And what have I got in store for you today?
Why, another fail story!

Reader:: HOSHIT, FAIL!!! YAY!!!!
Me:: Calm the fuck down.

So what's the fail story for today, you ask?

I went there last night to get my ass some medicine.
I get in line to check out, and we all know how the day after christmas lines are at Wal-Mart.
So after waiting 20 goddamn minutes, the chick starts ringing up my items.
Chicken Noodle Soup.
Cold Medicine.
Ramen Noodles.
Ice Cream.

Girl:: Do you need this medicine?
Me:: Uhh... Yeah.
Girl:: Do you have a fever?
Me:: Yes, I do.
Girl:: Did you like, drive here?
Me:: My boyfriend drove me.
Girl:: You need to be 18 to buy this medicine.
Me:: I am 18. -goes to get ID-
Girl:: I don't need to see your ID. -puts medicine away-
Me:: Look, are you my fucking doctor? No? Then give me the damn medicine.
Girl:: You must be 18 to buy this medicine, miss.
Me:: I am 18. Here's my ID.
Girl:: I don't need to see your ID. -rings up medicine and puts it in bag-
Me:: Thank you very fucking much. -pays and leaves-

Now this might not seem very fail to you.
But I mean what the HELL was wrong with this chick?
Firstly, she looked stoned to ba-jesus.
Secondly, she was fucking stupid.

This is why I hate Wal-Mart.
God damn.

Reader:: That's all? That's all you have to rant about today?
Me:: Yup.

December 25, 2009

Merry Mother Fucking Xmas

Christfag:: You should say Christmas. Saying Xmas takes the Christ out of Christmas!
Me:: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that you people have no clue what you're talking about.
Christfag:: ... Huh?
Me:: It was originally a Pagan winter solstice holiday that you fucktards decided to play "Pin The birthdate of the Jesus" on.
Christfag:: That's just internet nonsense.
Me:: Right. And I net the German tradition of the decorated tree is, too. Oh, and Santa is the devil.
Christfag:: -More religious nonsense-
Me:: -Lack of creativity. Bored with this conversation. Goes to make a sammich-

Oh, hey bloggers.
Happy Christmas to all.

Also, not trying to hate on the Christians.
Just gtfo my pagan holiday.
For real.
Mine was there first.

Onto some other stuff...
I got some presents and I feel like bragging.

-Nice earrings
-Nail polish [Because all I have is black and my sister-in-law wants to see a change]
-100 bucks
-Iron Tea Pot [WIN]
-Two awesome shirts
-And, last but not least at all; A SUPER FUCKING AWESOME HARRY POTTER MUG. It's black and it says "I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good" and you put hot cocoa/coffee in it and it turns white and says "Mischief Managed."
[You can guess which present was my favorite.]
[[Don't be jealous, Riah.]]

Oh, and by the way, I'm starting a Youtube channel soon.
Lame fucking name?
You betcha.

I have another one called FlaggedF0rPvp, but my boyfriend says that one is lame.
Also remembered that I have another called EpicFaceDesk

Which one do you, the reader, think I should use for my channel?
Leave your decision in the comment section below.

Also, how the fuck to I get my camera to record video in non-.MOV format?
For serious.
Pisses me off cuz I can't edit them or upload them.

Also also, why the fuck do I have three youtube accounts?
Shit's gay.

-sighs- My head hurts.
I threw up a little bit ago.
Not feeling too hot.
And boyfriend is off playing Combat Arms.

Yay, my life is awesome.

This is a short blog, I know.

Not a lot to rant about today.

Oh, I'm going to hopefully be purchasing a violin tomorrow with my Xmas munnies.
That's about it.

Now, tell me which user account to use for my new VLOGs.

Also, tell me why.
Kinda like EpicFaceDesk so I can just call my VLOG the EFD show.
Like omgitsatree because it rhymes and isn't trying to be cool like you posers.

Anyways, let me know what you think.

December 20, 2009

Where the hell have I been?

You find yourself not asking me?
Awww, you're sweet to have noticed my absence.

Well, let me tell you a tale.
'Tis a riveting ballad of how I FUCKING HATE TECHNOLOGY.


Anywho, I recently re-formatted my laptop.
Fun times!

Then I went on an adventure of figuring out which fucking drivers I needed to get the internet to work.

Then I decided that the internet should eat me.

I get the right driver. Alright. Making progress.
Only took a mother fucking week.

Then I connect to my boyfriends router.
What's mine is yours kinda deal.

Then I go to download Mozilla Firefox [Because IE can get raped by lions.]
So I google it.
Dear spirits, I love Google.

Anyways, I'm waiting for the search engine to do my bidding when BAM
Internet go bye-bye.
Internet comes back!

Me:: That was weird. Oh well, I'm sure it won't happen again. *F5*

Of course, we all know my life is full of fail, soo....

BAM. Internet go bye-bye again.
Then it comes back.

Me:: Look here, you piece of shit...
Internet:: *Disconnects*
Me:: ...... Cocksucker.
Internet:: Oh, hello! How are you?
Me:: Why do you keep doing that?
Internet:: Doing what?
Internet:: *Disconnects*
Me:: What the-
Internet:: Oh, hello! How are you?
Me:: I'm going to rape you in the-
Internet:: *Disconnects*

Yeah. I'm sure the docs gonna LOVE my blood pressure this month.

So I hate technology.
Gonna have to buy a new Wireless Network card.
Because this one is smiling at my anguish.
All smug and shit.
I just know it.


So I stole my boyfriends laptop.
Read me some [GM]Dave.
A lot.

His blood pressure has to beat mine by a long shot.
Oh well.

SO. I wont be posting for a while.

Gotta get this pice of shit up and running again.

Maybe I'll just buy a new fucking laptop.

That's it.

Fuck this mess.

I refuse to go bald over a fucking Dell laptop.

December 3, 2009

A big ol' can of crazy.

Hey everyone.
And by everyone, I mean my two viewers.

Haven't had anything to write about in a few days.
And just today I thought to myself;

Me:: Fuck. I haven't nothing to blog about. No fail stories. Nothing. This sucks.

And then, something happened.

You remember the slagwhore, right?

Viewer:: You mean your mother?
Me:: That's what I said. Slagwhore.

Here's how the last conversation I HAD with her went.

Slagwhore:: Hey! I got a new cell phone and number!
Me:: ... Okay? Why are you telling me?
Slagwhore:: So you could save this number in your phone.
Me:: I didn't have your last number saved in my phone.
Me:: What makes you think I would save this one, too?
Slagwhore:: You're silly. I'll talk to you later, okay?
Me:: Furthermore, how the hell did you get this number?
Slagwhore:: Bye!

Yeah. Not shitting you.

So I get a text today from my sister.

Sister:: Mom found your new school.
Me:: Dear what's his face in heaven. How?
Sister:: Called your last school and requested your transfer information.
Me:: I thought dad put her on the "THIS WOMAN IS BATSHIT CRAZY, DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING" list?
Sister:: He did. They're stupid. You know that.
Me:: Right. Go on.
Sister:: So she called the school they said they think you're transferring to.
Me:: God help them.
Sister:: And she said they told her you were a student there.
Me:: But... I'm not enrolled there yet. I haven't turned in the forms!
Sister:: Maybe she was bullshitting me. I don't know. Just be careful.
Me:: Gods help me.

So yeah.
My mother isn't allowed that information from my school.
The divorce that occurred when I was 5 saw to that.

So my dad hears this and is livid.
Granted he's the main reason why I moved out...
I can still sympathize with the man.

Now, what do you think your adorable, sweet, loving blogger would do at this point?

That's right.

I IMed the bitch.

She was offline though, to the satisfaction of insulting her and then promptly logging off would not be given to me.
Still, I was nice and polite in the message.

Me:: So I heard you're trying to find me.
::The Slagwhore is offline. It will receive your messages when it logs back in.::
Me:: A likely story.
Me:: Piece of advice? Don't.
Me:: I can understand you wanting to keep tabs on me, but this is borderline stalker-ish.
Me:: I know, I know. "I'm your mother, I should know these things, I haven't spoken to you in a year" blah blah blah.
Me:: But you contacted my school and requested information you have no right to have.
Me:: Or do you not remember the court system raping your ass in that custody battle?
Me:: If I were you, I wouldn't be able to forget the humiliation and pain and torment.
Me:: Oh wait, I was there. And even though I was 5 and had no idea what they were talking about, I still found it funny.
Me:: Like the time you were attacked by that dog.
Me:: Didn't know why it was attacking you, but I laughed my ass off all the same.
Me:: Anyways, back to my original point. What was it again? Oh yeah...
Me:: kthnxbai

So my boyfriend is a giggling mess while I'm leaving her this message.

He says it was because the look in my eyes was hilarious.

I think it was because I was screaming, "Take this, and that, and some of this!" at my computer screen while I typed.

Who knows.

But yeah.

I'd rather go up against the fucking Rancor than have to deal with this shit.

don't know what a rancor is?

... anybody?


You fail.