All of you.
I mean it.
I'm not trying to be funny.
[Well, okay. Maybe I am.]
Haven't seen you guys since Thanksgiving.
Well, I've got a lot of news for you.
Not that you care.
But I like to think that you do.
So I moved.
Few of you know that I lived in VA Beach.
Now I'm in Pittsburgh.
Yay incredible distances.
I'm not going to tell you my reasons for moving.
I'm too lazy.
But what I am going to do in this blog is, well...
I've got a few people who read this.
I have no idea why.
But they do.
Now for those of you who do read it, leave me some feedback.
I demand it.
I'm new to this whole blog thing.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a goddamn n00b.
Think I care?
Well you're right.
Now, either comment or gtfo.
You can say anything.
Find a news article you find riveting?
Did your 13 year old cousin get knocked up?
Lose 58 lbs on a Chinese take-out diet?
Well lemme know, bitches.
I like to hear all the fail stories in the world.
And exploit them.
Speaking of stories I can exploit, you gotta hear this.
Since my blog is called people-fail, I intend to inform you of just how much people do fail.
Like this one story.
[Link to story will be located at the bottom of blog so you know I'm not bullshitting you.]
There's this girl, right?
She's 15 years old, living in Missouri.
And, get this, murders this 9 year old girl.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
"What in God's name was this girl thinking? Why would she do such a thing?!"
Some of you might assume it's because she had a good reason.
Maybe the 9 year old was attacking her with a monkey or something.
There has to be SOME reason, right?
Well you would be wrong, my viewer.
She did it, and I do quote, "to see what it would feel like."
Me:: Yeah, I'm kinda bored. I think I'm going to go kill a little girl just for the hell of it. Fuck ramifications!
Now that you're sitting in your seats utterly stunned, I'm going to continue.
She planned this shit.
Had two graves dug up.
Courts have decided to try her as an adult.
Her trial is set for sometime in December.
But what shocks me is that I can't find a single report that tells me what the second grave was for.
Now it's been said that she's had severe depression since 2007.
As if that explains everything.
Last I heard, people with severe depression tried to kiss themselves.
Not the 9 yr-old down the street.
15 yr-old murderer:: My life sucks. Everything is miserable. Edward Cullen isn't real. Bitch bitch, ect. So instead of killing myself, which would seem logical since my life clearly sucks so much, I'm think I'll kill someone else.
Me:: That doesn't seem too smart there, kid.
Murderer:: Whatever. Nobody cares what you think. And by the way... You're not funny.
Me:: Ouch! Talk about hitting below the belt, man. Not cool. Well, your life sucks and you'll pay for this later so I mean, whatever. Carry on.
Murderer:: There's that new guy down the street... no, he could probably kick my ass. Hmm... I could kill my mom, but then who would be there to give me attention? No, how about that little girl nearby? Yeah. That should do it.
Me:: *eats popcorn*
Murderer:: Now I feel guilty so I'm gonna tell police where she's buried even though nobody has been able to find her thus far and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be able to link me to it even if they DID find her.
Me:: This stopped being funny 3 minutes ago.
Okay, so maybe I'm a bad person for making fun of this chick.
But I mean come ON.
Bitch is stupid.
I'm pretty sure I've known 3 year olds smarter than this chick.
And it just pisses me off so much that people are trying to defend her.
Lawyer:: She's just a child! Sending her to prison as an adult would be wrong!
Me:: She committed premeditated murder.
Lawyer:: It's not her fault. She's depressed!
Me:: Depression doesn't make people kill little girls!
Lawyer:: You can't prove that!
Me:: I don't have to. You're going to lose this case anyways.
Lawyer:: And what makes you think that?
Me:: ... BECAUSE THE BITCH STABBED THIS GIRL TO DEATH, SLIT HER THROAT, AND BURIED HER.
Lawyer:: Yeah, but-
Me:: SLIT HER THROAT.
Lawyer:: I know, but-
Me:: AND BURIED HER.
Lawyer:: If you would just-
Me:: Not because she was depressed. She admitted it was because she wanted to know what it felt like. BITCH IS CRAZY.
Lawyer:: Exactly! So she should be in a mental institution.
Me:: Then send her to one, but don't try to pretend that this was beyond her. Bitch knew what she was doing. Knew it was wrong. Even felt guilty afterwards. She probably is mentally disturbed, but don't say 'go easy on her' because she's young.
Girls are maturing faster and faster at younger ages these days.
She's 15. She knew what she was doing. 3 years hardly makes any difference.
I think they were right to try her as an adult.
Maybe the bitch will learn not to stab little girls to death.
Decide for yourself.
I'm just gonna go make a sammich.
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